I swear I’m not turning emo again . . .


God is good. Spring is evil. Spring is evil mainly for two reasons: First, the demon of Abercrombie skirts and halter tops returns to try and devour the souls of every Christian man trying to remain pure for his wife. The second reason why Spring is evil is that EVERYONE starts getting in relationships. Historically, I’ve been much more of a Winter/Fall dater rather than a Spring one, but I’m past the typical notion of dating.

Anyway, on to my main point of writing this tonight. Currently, it is 2:12 in the morning. I feel safe writing in this blog because I am fairly confident no one reads it. I’m really not complaining. It’s kind of exciting being able to say stuff with the potentiality of someone reading it, but the safety net of knowing you can be a little more blunt and open because your audience will be so narrow if not non-existent.

Okay, so is the bane of every 19 year old unmarried Christian male: I am lonely. Yes it hurts. No I don’t like it. Before I go on, I must reassure anyone who may read this that I am not whining, I am not struggling with any faith issues with God, and I am not regressing to where I was in high school where I get so focused on my own problems I lose sight of the Kingdom of God.

Bottom line: The past month, month and a half, God has been working in me in the area of relationships. Through my family, through IV, through individuals, through Harvest, and through just individual prayer and Bible Study He has been building me into a man of God prepared to embark on looking to the future. As Robert said at Paideia on Sunday: “Marriage is for men. It’s not where you become a man.” I feel like God has forced me to become a man now, earlier than most guys for some purpose unknown to me. With that maturation, though, comes a natural desire to establish oneself in the natural place in God’s earthly manifestation of His relationship with us: Marriage; and with that comes a natural desire to start seeking out and pursuing relationships with women, or rather a woman.

Here’s the problem: I’ve had my little “list” of women that filled what I wanted in a girlfriend/person to date/future wife for a little bit now. It’s only been this semester that I have actually met incredible strong women of God that have the same anti-cultural views of relationships as me that try to get as biblical as possible. Every girl on this “list”, though, seems to have fallen prey to the evils of Spring just recently by starting relationships on a deeper level (even if it’s not dating) with every guy around me BUT ME! Believe me, I’m just venting, I’m not whining. It’s just frustrating, you know? God has been building me up to the point where I now (for the first time) have the proper view of relationships, there purpose, there form, and their function. Would God really prepare me so early for a proper view of relationships just to not allow me to be in one? Maybe so. I don’t know. I learned the futility of questioning God’s supreme wisdom long ago. In my own earthly perspective, I feel like I am at a point where I can handle one of those few relationships that actually glorify God. If that is the case, human logic would say that God, wanting to be glorified in the utmost capacity of any human being, would provide a way for a relationship to develop because someone who can particpate in a relationship in such a way would glorify Him more with someone than without someone. Do you follow? I hope so.

But in the end, I keep being reminded of the calling God has put on me – to just go crazy for Him with reckless abandon. To get into the Word every day and to cultivate and develop a real tangible active prayer life. Believe it or not, those are more at the forefront of my mind than my worries about relationships. I just want to glorify God, and I feel like God has been working in me in such a way that He is/was preparing to call me into a relatrionship in order to glorify Him. That is all I want to do. Wait! I got a better way to phrase it. It’s like God has given me an increased capacity to glorify Him and I am currently not working to full capacity. Sure, I get some blessings and benefits from a relationship, but only if my focus is the kingdom of God and preparing, creating, and maintaining a life that can expand and glorify that Kingdom. It gets me excited all through my body and soul just thinking about it. You know what? I feel better already. Thanks a lot World Wide Web. I’m still frustrated, I still have those desires, and I still have those feelings of loneliness that hurt a lot right now, but I just need to keep trusting in God.

As Robert also said last night: “God did not tell us how to do this dating thing. He simply told us the kind of people we should be, gave us His Spirit, and then told us to trust Him.”

God, I am trusting you. I feel like I am approaching the crest of the roller coaster. Please be with me. This is a huge thing for me to actually place into your hands with reckless abandon. Please take care of me and comfort my soul, O God. I love you so much. I have faith you won’t let me down and I must continue in that faith. May I continue to attempt to glorify you in all I do.

— Paul

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One thought on “I swear I’m not turning emo again . . .

  1. Pingback: “Sleeping Alone”: for all those hurting in their singleness… | the long way home

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