“Lord have mercy…”


[journal entry dated 2/28/10]

Father? Daddy?

I’m so f—-ed up. That’s just the best phrase for it. It’s Lent. It’s only a week in and I’ve already broken my fast several times. Why? Why can’t I just…stop?

(Okay, I get it.)

The point of giving something up for Lent is not to just “give something up”. At the heart-level it’s supposed to be a sign of devotion to You. That’s what it is at heart. And you know our hearts, Daddy. You know they’re weak. You know they’re willing. I’m willing Father, I’m just so f—-ing weak…

Ha!

I sound like “high-school Paul” all over again with those old Christian flavors of angst and “emo-ness”. I suppose there’s a place for him somewhere in my walk with You. But what is it? I’m not quite sure. But I don’t think he’s supposed to be here right now.

I’m secure. I’m loved. I’m Yours. I’m pleasing to You. I’m approved.

Ah, that knowledge escapes me so easily! I’m able to hold it in my mind and believe it in my heart for only a few blissful moments before it escapes me in the fog of doubt and insecurity selling itself as “realism”.

I’m secure. I’m loved. I’m pleasing to You. I’m Yours. I’m secure. I’m approved. I’m pleasing to You. I’m Yours.

Oh Lord, have mercy. Christ have mercy. Oh God, make haste to help me. Oh Lord make speed to save me. Oh God make haste to help me. Oh Lord make speed to save me.

Teach me Your Beauty. No–join me to Your Beauty. Let me know it. Let me know you, Beautiful One.

I’m loved by Beauty. I’m secure in Beauty. I rest in Beauty. I’m loved by Beauty. I’m approved by Beauty. I’m pleasing to Beauty.

I belong to Beauty.

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6 thoughts on ““Lord have mercy…”

  1. I gave up hope for Lent and so far I’ve been able to stick to it for the most part. Oh, sure, I’ve met a couple of really nice guys who I would like to go out with, but I’m sure not one of them likes me back. See? It’s easy.

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